| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2005|10:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
So...
I pretty much feel abandoned by two of my friends because of this bizarre triangle of weirdness.
While that may not be the ExACT situation or intention, I still feel pretty devastated. I am not very big on the ''friend'' thing [I don't have a lot of them]- and it isn't because I am stuck up or try to be rude or anything. It is just how I am. And I feel sort of lost now. One of them is just all around not accesible and I am prety sure she is mad at me, but I don't know why- which isn't fair. And I feel pretty betrayed.
This ISN'T how I deal with friends and friendships. I feel screwed all overagain.
And really really hurt.
If you are mad at someone- someone who you consider a really good friend- let them know what they did. Especially if they are honest and kind to you and have always tried to take care of you when they could.
I just really hope that I get a letter back or something because I am upset and worried and pretty surprised, actually by all of this. I just want to know what is going on and I hope I am not a *superbitch* or something.
This really hurts. All over.
All I can say is- Fucking OUCH. |
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| Just want a Cherry Coke and a Zebra Cake |
[May. 17th, 2005|03:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
The stupid couple of things I needed to do today: Call the damn insurance people about the fucking accident. [it just goes on and on], and medical billing and all of that fun stuff. I live in NE, I was originally contacted by Someone From Wisconsin, since that is where the owner's insurance is based. I went through all this crap. "wait.. why don't I get someone else from your area to call you" Ok, lovely. They asked for K's number so they can talk to her about medical billing, also- all of which will be taken care of by the insurance company for up to two years. Fine fantastic. THis is about a month and a half ago. i called a month ago as they had still not contacted K.
I think there must just be something wrong with the couple of people I spoke to, because there was finally some progress, but I felt like I was coaching them. And again, with the transferring. My city, to wisconcin, to NY. I tell them I got transferred there, they need to call my passenger, since they have been given the number twice, and what is the number that she needs to call if they don't contact her AGAIN? [as i am fairly certain, as this point, that they have neglected to do so]
There is a lot of audible fumbling before I get it.
Erm... I don't mean to be harsh, but... was that necessary? I had everything except the claim number... What the hell was I thinking...
Ok, so next I need to call my PDoc and make an appt.
I also want to get out of the fucking place and just walk to the store or something.
Need to talk to my mother before I make the appt since she is going to bring me.
need to make appt before going to store.
DAMN. Mother not answering phone...
or that phone. or cell phone.
She answers phone and I call doctor, who needs to call me back.
meh... I want to go for a damn walk to the store. I want to get out of the damn house and don't feel fucked up and hungover["without the fun the night before"]... and now I need to wait for the doc to call me.
well... I did fold laundry yesterday. |
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| "Are these people getting enough oxygen?" |
[May. 13th, 2005|10:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Go here
click on 'links, alphabetical'
start slowling down once you get to the CRs.
Ever once in a while I do searches under google and get suprised.
AHAHA.
Published.
~navy~
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2005|10:52 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nerdy | ] |
MMM... yeah. I have to have to have to convince the boyfriend to see hitchiker's today.
He really wants to also- it is really just a matter of getting out of bed... before the evening shows. The evening shows will be busy and gross and lots of people, i will get frustrated because i am allergic to most of the candy there and probably have to wear earplugs...
BLAH.
ohhh... but, but... come onn... it has finally come to pass!! i can see arthur make an ass of himself in real time.
*groan* but it is one of those yucky windy, wet, chilly 'i am a big bad tree and i want to grab you' kind of days so i would much rather stay in bed with the warm laptop and my fleece blue's clues blanket, and not wake the grizzly bear next to me.
BUT THE GUIDE IS A MOVIE!! AAAH!!!!
oh lordy- life decisions... |
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| ~KNOT~ |
[May. 5th, 2005|07:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nauseated | ] |
UGH. So I was making these pretty bracelets. They are some serious nice
beadwork. I was in the process of making one for my mother and did not
bring my beading down to BFs because I didn't feel like dealing with it
last weekend.
Only- this weekend is Mother's Day. WELL HELL.
I Really need a personal assistant to keep me updated. I thought it was next weekend.
ONCE AGAIN- I have no card or gift ready. It isn't that i don't give a
shit, or that it is a massive fucking deal with my family...
exactly. I am always under the impression that I am the worst
daughter on the face of the planet.
The point is not that she 'understands my financial situation'.
The point is: I was goinhg to have a present, and it was REALLY
Nice. nice, small prismatic, silvery beads and a nice silver
clasp that she might actually *gasp* wear. And i would have it together
and not feel like an inadequate peice of shit.
ugh. nope.
I have NO sense of time- hourly, daily, weekly, monthly. I
don't really care much for social obligations, but i do like to make
people happy.
It's embarassing, yes... and that always sucks. But more than that- i feel like a total fucking failure- every goddamned holiday.
or birthday, or 'family dinner' or whatever...
and i always end up feeling like i will NEVER succeed.
and i just get that horrible coppery tight lump in my throat...
and... why bother?
i am a failure
because i can not get myself to a Hallmark store.
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| I'm Going to Rip Out My Hair- No One Else Will Do it For Me |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|07:05 pm] |
While I do feel right now, at times, like I am wading through
the most disgusting stagnant swamp [GWAR voice] of DEATH [/GWAR voice]
I still realize that eventually shit will work out.
I got a package from one of my friends today. It made me really happy. And then a little bit ...empty?
What could I do for her? Not a whole lot.
I just feel like...
The most ridiculous 'prisoner' of all time- I want to cry and tell my self to stop bitching, then go to the bar and get shit faced.
Though can't seem to achieve ANY of those properly, if at all.
A lot of the days are weird in terms of time but everything is at a stand still.
I depend on everyone else.
Will someone drive me to the store today?
My ability to do anything can be calculated by whether or not my sister has a hangover.
I sometimes imagine I know what seniors might feel
when they start to wet themselves on the golf course,
and need to clip their very first coupon for Depends.
What makes it so terrible is the sudden contrast:
I have no independence, no choice.
No freedom and no control.
This is MY Hell. |
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| Ass Pants and Lemon Sausage |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|08:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Better- Mildly Amused | ] |
Honestly...
How long *should* someone walk around not wearing underwear before they discover there is a hole in their pants?
...this is one of the reasons I rarely go out. However, it seems that when I do, something amusing happens. And, of course, my breakast sandwhich ended up lemonade flavored today do to someone's 'artistic interpretation' of driving. But, hey it wasn't too bad. Added a nice fresh Springtime flavour to an other wise dull morning.
Fneh. Still, I obviously need to get out more. |
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| I am stressing an need to get this shit out. [self-serving] |
[Apr. 15th, 2005|03:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  Soo... | ] |
Note: SUGGESTED SPELLING CORRECTECTION: Asperger's ---> Supercharger's
I guess right now I am trying very hard to not be brought down by the situation I find myself in.
I am trying to look to 'the bright side.' I know it's there. I almost always know that. I'm just getting tired, frankly.
Last July, I found myself having to quit the job that I loved, being a girl scout camp counselor, after having struggled for months. No, for YEARS. I should have gotten help in high school. Earlier. Of course, I had a habit of lagging behind, and then 'catching up'. My teachers often wrote that they were concerned because they knew that I could do the work, and that I should do it even MORE consistently... they just wish I didn't have such unpredictable, lengthy periods of 'ups and downs'.
So, I had been completely on my own, going to school, working. I was a manager at a movie theater. It isn't a huge thing, but I worked hard, and was responsible, and good at my job.
I got sick- terrible fucking cold/flu, exacerbated by my CMV, which landed me in bed for almost two months. On top of that I was hit HARD with depression. I managed to be excused sick leave from work, make up my work from classes.
Ok- my point is... I recovered from all that... and SO much more. That was an easier period.
That summer, I ended up needing to move in with my parents, but kept my job.
I took a break from school.
Stopped working as a manager- too much stress.
Worked as a counselor. At this point, I was probably BEYOND the breaking point. I should have been gettin help when I moved in with my parents. No before that.
In July, I had an overload. I flipped out, had no health insurance, still, which I hadn't had for almost two years now- another part of my problems. I ended up in the emergency room, citing 'anxiety attacks'.
I was prescribed seroquel.
I had various terrible reactions to meds, meanwhile feeling more and more out of control of my life and feeling less and less like I would be able to achieve any of my goals.
Several med failures and disasters, two inept health care providers, 2 medical withdrawals, an F, a destroyed car, and a head injury later...
It is April.
I am 22.
I have no job. I have no classes.
I really have no friends, basically.
Not any that are reachable.
I can not drive, which doesn't matter- I essentially have no car. My sister has been 'permanently borrowing' it.
I am still physically sick to varying degrees.
I CONSTANTLY have a shifting field of vision or perspective.
I have no idea what is going to happen to me in the near future.
I need: a physical therapist, an internist, an ophthalmologist, an immunologist, a regular therapist, irlen lenses, a nutritionist.
I cannot do any of these things.
Unfourtunately, I am not so bad off that my difficulty is obvious. I am scared. And talking about my health makes me want to cry. So, it seems a little ridiculous to me that I am crying on the phone every time I talk to my neurologist or my psychiatrist.
I need a therapist first of all, to help me deal with all of this. But how can I accomplish that, when I can't deal with all of this.
Ugh. I don't expect do be better in 8 months-which is how long it has been- I really don't. I have a lot of things going on and ALL of them play upon eachother. I can't seperate the asperger's [or HFA?] from the Bipolar from the seizures from the CMV stress from my environmental stress. ...and how much will my nuero think is ME, and how much will he think is my FILE? It doesn't help that I am just so throughly worn out.But 8 months is a LONG time for such little progress.
I can't call to leave a message for my neurologist without shaking and dampening my cheeks.
All of the sudden I am fifteen. Only much worse. I wasn't like this when I was fifteen.
As soon as I have something better, trust me... we will all be sitting around having a good chuckle over something TRULY ridiculous. |
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| Update one- Crash. [RE: March 13th, substandard bullshit care] |
[Mar. 19th, 2005|11:17 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  uck uck blah mush brain | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mrs Robinson- some sort of cover | ] |
WARNING: I am having problems with making 'wholes', hence the outlines, or short sentences.
This is outline that I wrote for my practitioner, and also part of what I will send to my neurologist.
My boyfriend has offered to let me dictate. Or, he can make the outlines to paragraphs.
It may not seem too evident if you do not often read my writing.
My writing is shorter, and difficult to link too many sentences together, much less make a large summary or full letter.
However, the out line was MUCH easier. I will likely add details.
I think I will start keeping this up again.
It will probably be important:
-help memory
-help language again [hope hope]
-help restructuring of parts
-help general cognition
-help sense of time and organization
-keep brain from getting lazy; it needs work when possible
HERE:
Accident:
Car rolled twice.
-Middair.
-Crosswinds.
-No guard rail on inside of east bound
-steep slope
-landed once on roof on inside of guard rail, westbound
-rolled again, landed on roof, westbound
-landed right side up, past westbound, over hill
Heavy winds sudden.
Took control of car.
-fishtail
-hard to steer
-both wearing seatbelts
After the accident:
Not sure how long until help arrived.
-Both confused, trying to asses situation
-Very cold, heavy winds
-trying to clear glass, plug holes to keep out cold
-difficulties contacting emergency services
-Emergency
services had trouble finding, had to dispatch helicopter to spot car
Ambulance attendent went through accident, realized we had blacked out.
-long enough for blood to clot.
-long enough for gas to run out and battery to die
-we were on almost half of a tank last I remembered
-I had pulled over 20 minutes before hand to check map
-was going to pull over at rest stop
After first emergency services arrived at scene, was very long time before extracted from car
-At or near hypothermic
temperatures -Had pulled blankets
and stuffings from windows
-Ambulances were not first to
arrive -wind continued to pick
up
-Only thing I could feel that hurt was my head
-left, rear
quarter, approx.
-Informed emergency services of head
injuries
-later, informed ambulance attendants of head inuries
-began
to be slightly unresponsive -do not
know how long until taken from car to ambulance
-estimate approximately one
hour
-waited for passenger door to be sawed off
-waited for passenger to be taken out
-while being taken
out, head was hit again, in same spots which had hit door frame and
window
Abulance attendent tried to keep me talking and awake.Was concerned about my head and were it hurt.
At hospital:
-repeatedly expressed concern over possible head injury
-nausea
-irritation by lights
-little control over muscle, limbs
-slurred speech
-pain
-swollen feeling
-was repeatedly ignored
-had x-rays taken of neck
Regarding "dizzy spell"~[incompetent nurse] OR seizure[me and kass and most info I have read]
-Nurse wanted me to sit up, I felt ill and wished to lay down longer
-She kept telling me to, and I tried, but lay back down as I immediately felt dizzy
-nauseated
-limp
-confused
-my head felt more swollen and very fragile
-I did not feel I should be suddenly, quickly sitting up
-Eventually, nurse and doctor forced me up quickly ‘it will be short’ to look at my back
-immediately overwhelming neausea
-lack of muscle control, limp neck,
-mumbling attempt but failure at language
-muddled thinking
-My eyes started to flutter as I attept to get my neck up and relieve pressure on my stomach
-I finally got my head up, and my eyes shot open and began to roll up
-The white wall rolled in front of me
-My head rolled back as my eyes did and I saw fluorescent lights
-A scream was FORCED out of me
-*I* did not try to scream, I could not even really think clearly and was not in control of my body
-air was forced out of my lungs and throat?
-deep, disturbing scream
-Body jerked side to side and I think I seemed to be about to fly off of the bed
-I did not see anything
-I don’t remember anything else
-at some point I was put down
-Nurse told me THIS was vertigo
-From what I remember, my muscles, after my head rolling back, were STIFF and full of energy.
-remembering was like a dream
-time period was not long
-research and experienced people can only
compare it [sight and description] to short grand mal/tonic-clonic
-May have reached first phase
-may have been different type
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